Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

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The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

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Don't take life too seriously; no-one gets out alive.

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It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

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The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

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All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

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The universe is a figment of its own imagination.

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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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Is there another word for synonym?

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Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any.

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Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds!!

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Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.

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Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

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ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

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Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

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Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

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Q: What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
A: A box of quackers.

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Time is a marvellous healer but is a complete failure as a beautician.

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When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £1.50 per minute

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Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own

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Son asks diff btw Confidence and Confidential
Dad says, u are my son, I am Confident.
Ur friend is also my son, thats Confidential

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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

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What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A b*tch who knows everything.

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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

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The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

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I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

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I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

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Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

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Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.